Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
