Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
