We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
