Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
