Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize