whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
