Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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