i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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