remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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