the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize