Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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