Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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