the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
