I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
