FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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