It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
