I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
