You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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