put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
