tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
