I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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