Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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