I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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