Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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