Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
