so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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