May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
