Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
