don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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