guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
