i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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