when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
