I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
