If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i believe in u and ur pee
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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