Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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