At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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