My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Randomize
