words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
