did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
