Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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