my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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