Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
