My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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