We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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