somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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