I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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