Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
