Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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