i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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