That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
