I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
