I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
