I wanna bring you to show and tell
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
