Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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