He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Randomize
